i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
