Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
