If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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