I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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