Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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