Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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