I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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