I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
