...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
