If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
