I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
