we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize