At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
