You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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