Three words: puerto rican gang bang
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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