I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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