I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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