my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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