I faked an abortion last night.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
