I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
