I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
