don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
