Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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