the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
