I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
