we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
