are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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