There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
