I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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