Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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