apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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