I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
