k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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