i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
