Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize