Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
