what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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