apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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