She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
