Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
