Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
