just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
