I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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