Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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