Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
