I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
