I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
