Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
