Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
