so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
