I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
