I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
