if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
