remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
