I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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