I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
