It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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