Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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