Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Even my vagina gasped.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just puked most of my soul out..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
