The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
