Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
