i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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