On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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