i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
