May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
